As part of our day job related fund raising, we travel to all kinds of places and hotels. Sometimes when it is in our nonprofit world, we stay with friends or the locals offer to put us up. This is great as it saves money as we raise it. Several churches have had space to host us and we've always been grateful, but it's also some of the strangest sleeping quarters I've experienced.
I don't know if any of you have ever been in a huge building alone as a kid or an adult. As a kid I remember we'd play hide and seek in the basement of the church I grew up in while the adults ate finger food and drank punch upstairs somewhere. It always seemed like you'd get spooked and run like you'd never run in your life down a dark hallway. Also my dad used to rent "computer time" in a big office building in downtown KC. I'd be the only person on the 10th floor poking in people's desks and such. Then I'd go even further down to the bathroom and get spooked and run like mad back to the computer room that was completely sealed and sound proof. My dad wouldn't have heard me yelling or running or anything the way it was set up. It was great fun. I give you this as way as background to the places with dark hallways that might effect odd places I slept as an adult.
The first time we slept in a guest room inside a church it was in a smaller community, but the church could probably seat a couple hundred people. We had a compulsion to walk around and see everything just so we knew where we were at and how the land lay. My significant other sneaked into the sanctuary and tapped on the cymbals while I was in another part of the church getting a drink or something and tried to say it wasn't him. The church folks had thoughtfully put a lock on the door of the room.
One nice thing about a lock is that you are in a huge building alone and it's nice not to feel vulnerable. Two is that folks arrive at all kinds of early hours for church services and you'd like to not introduce yourself in your skivvies.
So another time, another religious institution, the guest room was actually a large lounge with six sofas that made into beds. So you just picked one and opened up. While it was a big space (besides being in a big building) it very distinctly wasn't a single bedroom. We dressed in the attached bathroom.
Well, putting it mildly I'm not an early riser. The early risers in this rural farm community were getting coffee going behind a folding curtain that attached to our room. My significant other got in the shower and gave me a moment to awake. I started worrying this big room was a Sunday School area and I should get moving. I traded the sofa room for the bathroom only to hear pounding on the door of our area. I was about to turn on the shower when my man opened the door and said that I needed to hurry they were going to have to turn off the water. The snow storm had frozen and broken pipes which were filling the heating system with water. Uhm, okay, no pressure.
When I came out to join in the donuts and early morning church rituals, you could hear the water pounding in the heating vents like tribal drums. Really weird sound.
Okay, so another room another state. This time attached to the men's bathroom as this was the only bathroom that had a shower. My spouse taught me that it is inappropriate to balance one's makeup bag on the handle of a urinal, but honestly you just work with whatever space you have and there wasn't any. We stayed in this arrangement for eight weeks. It was in a urban spill from a very large city. The kitchen was in the basement which meant walking through the sanctuary (in the dark) and down some stairs and hallways to the kitchen for hot water or microwaves etc. So I had to psych myself up for the journey (see the paragraph of childhood basement running above!).
It was fine and we didn't mind. These are just the little challenges you don't think of unless you stay a place as unusual as the back of thousands of square feet of public use space. After a few days, someone from the pastoral family mentioned that we needed to double check the side door by the sanctuary (not the one we used in the back dark parking lot!) because it didn't always latch and sometimes homeless people came inside to get warm. No big deal but it was best to check. Yeah. Note to self check the doors and the dark hallways on the way to the far away kitchen.
So then my significant one had to leave for another meeting and I got to stay there completely alone for two weeks. It was fine. Really. So maybe yes, I ran a couple times thru dark hallways, but I was grateful for somewhere to stay. It probably helped the intensity of my prayers!
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
14 February 2011
Lessons not learned
I guess there are things that are going to be a challenge all my days. I look back at things I blogged about last year that still haunt me. Or something I'll read in a book or the Bible one day that seems so apropos and so applicable and then I can't seem to make it work in my soul the very next day. Apparently "getting it right" (is that a perfectionist voice sticking out?) isn't goine to be a one time project but an ongoing life long process. I remember as a teenager recognizing that I am overly self-sufficient (self dependent?) and have struggled to put things in God's hands. So what do I struggle with when I'm ahem, 40-something? I'm self-sufficient and don't trust.
Last year I blogged in "I'm damaging my calm" about knowing God's love is unconditional and yet finding myself straining and thinking well, if I tried harder at this or that....maybe I'd get better results. I blame myself for the results rather than trusting in a loving God who cares about me and living whole in that, end of sentence, nothing to do with what I DO.
One thing that I know that is a constant challenge for me is not knowing when enough is enough. In the fund raising process, as I've complained a few times in the last year, it is slow and there is very little feedback on whether things are working or not. So that "getting it right" voice, says, "well, maybe if you....fill in the blank." I have over the last year or maybe always not known when I've done my best and when I've crossed the line into striving. This has come at the price of a deep exhaustion this year. Do you have any tricks for knowing when enough is enough?
The odd thing is I still know and believe but somehow don't know how to function in the fact that I am God's precious child. I do not need to earn his acceptance or approval but simply accept that love. But I am the child on the swings, sure of the Father's love, yet calling out to him, "Do you see me? See how high I swing? Is it good?" And I think all the time, He may be trying to get me to go inside and have a nap.
Last year I blogged in "I'm damaging my calm" about knowing God's love is unconditional and yet finding myself straining and thinking well, if I tried harder at this or that....maybe I'd get better results. I blame myself for the results rather than trusting in a loving God who cares about me and living whole in that, end of sentence, nothing to do with what I DO.
One thing that I know that is a constant challenge for me is not knowing when enough is enough. In the fund raising process, as I've complained a few times in the last year, it is slow and there is very little feedback on whether things are working or not. So that "getting it right" voice, says, "well, maybe if you....fill in the blank." I have over the last year or maybe always not known when I've done my best and when I've crossed the line into striving. This has come at the price of a deep exhaustion this year. Do you have any tricks for knowing when enough is enough?
The odd thing is I still know and believe but somehow don't know how to function in the fact that I am God's precious child. I do not need to earn his acceptance or approval but simply accept that love. But I am the child on the swings, sure of the Father's love, yet calling out to him, "Do you see me? See how high I swing? Is it good?" And I think all the time, He may be trying to get me to go inside and have a nap.
17 January 2011
False religiousity
It seems our culture can use everything for spiritual guidance but God as in Jesus.I read some articles lately that talk about pursuing happiness. I noticed a quote from Dante in an article - he wrote that your pleasure will guide you. We speak much of tolerance and equality in our current culture, and it seems we will tolerate everything but any sort of "one true" God definition - especially if it relates to Christianity.
I understand that it is not unreasonable to take solace or be encouraged by other ideas beyond Christianity. Our current day level of learning and information does have a lot to offer, but those other ideas have become God. We have substitued serving Jesus with feel good speak especially in society at large. People who have not embraced Jesus have embraced a spirituality that has no roots in a tangible belief structure or maybe it is a melange of all belief structures but leaves out Jesus-as-God-who-wants-to-save-us-from-ourselves. We are turning ourselves into our own resource. The danger is that it removes the everyday mundane from our spirituality. We don't have to apply that vague spirituality to the mundane aspects of life because it is centered around us, ourselves.
Two things recently had such deeply Jesus-God spiritual language that would have been normal and accepted in the culture in which it occurred. One was Martin Luther King Jrs' I have a dream speech. He quoted scripture and used hymns in his speech. No one cried out about separation of church and state and no one said what is he talking about? In True Grit there was a level of spiritual talk that was normal and everyone knew what they were talking about. That didn't mean they all obeyed God or served him but the idea was the divine God was there, they all knew it and no one was redefining who that "God" might be.
We don't culturally know who God is anymore. Do people recognize the spiritual references in everyday speech? No, you can have whatever kind of spirituality you want and that's okay. We are inventing anything else to take the place of Jesus-God and calling it spirituality.
In the church we are trying to worry about that generic spirituality and appealing to that rather than sticking to the facts of Jesus. I can be guilty of this too. I have worried about relevance to culture when trying to think how to present Jesus, rather than pure honesty.
Here is an article for Christians (Link to article) that is very thought provoking on what living in Jesus really means for ourselves and the church. It isn't always very appealing in a personal benefits way - at least as our culture views it. Ultimately, Jesus saves us rescues us from ourselves and challenges us to live with him in mind first before ourselves. A high bar that is hard, not easy. The challenges are real but I'm glad I've chosen the Jesus-God version of spirituality.
I understand that it is not unreasonable to take solace or be encouraged by other ideas beyond Christianity. Our current day level of learning and information does have a lot to offer, but those other ideas have become God. We have substitued serving Jesus with feel good speak especially in society at large. People who have not embraced Jesus have embraced a spirituality that has no roots in a tangible belief structure or maybe it is a melange of all belief structures but leaves out Jesus-as-God-who-wants-to-save-us-from-ourselves. We are turning ourselves into our own resource. The danger is that it removes the everyday mundane from our spirituality. We don't have to apply that vague spirituality to the mundane aspects of life because it is centered around us, ourselves.
Two things recently had such deeply Jesus-God spiritual language that would have been normal and accepted in the culture in which it occurred. One was Martin Luther King Jrs' I have a dream speech. He quoted scripture and used hymns in his speech. No one cried out about separation of church and state and no one said what is he talking about? In True Grit there was a level of spiritual talk that was normal and everyone knew what they were talking about. That didn't mean they all obeyed God or served him but the idea was the divine God was there, they all knew it and no one was redefining who that "God" might be.
We don't culturally know who God is anymore. Do people recognize the spiritual references in everyday speech? No, you can have whatever kind of spirituality you want and that's okay. We are inventing anything else to take the place of Jesus-God and calling it spirituality.
In the church we are trying to worry about that generic spirituality and appealing to that rather than sticking to the facts of Jesus. I can be guilty of this too. I have worried about relevance to culture when trying to think how to present Jesus, rather than pure honesty.
Here is an article for Christians (Link to article) that is very thought provoking on what living in Jesus really means for ourselves and the church. It isn't always very appealing in a personal benefits way - at least as our culture views it. Ultimately, Jesus saves us rescues us from ourselves and challenges us to live with him in mind first before ourselves. A high bar that is hard, not easy. The challenges are real but I'm glad I've chosen the Jesus-God version of spirituality.
14 December 2010
Battle ship vs cruise ship
I heard someone use the phrase this year about the church universal - do you treat it as a cruise ship or a battle ship? Are you a visitor who wants to be entertained and catered to? Or do you see us in a battle together and we all have a role to fulfill to survive?
After circulating in a variety of churches all over the country throughout 2010, we've made some interesting speculations. We had a sense and were told by many that the church had changed during our almost 5 year absence. That was definitely true. We also talk to pastors all over who are searching right now. It's like something is off keel but no one is quite sure what.
One observation we feel is confirmed by pastors is that the church in general has become even more of a spectator event than it was before we left. I'd always heard the statistic that it is 20 percent, or pick a number but a small one, of church goers that do the work (teach, clean, nursery etc). It seems there is much more of a sense of: what can you (the church) do for me?
In one sense, church does do something for us. Hopefully, we learn more and are fed more about God and grow closer to him. The church needs to be directing the traffic in our lives toward more of Christ and not less. But in the same measure while works do not save us or get us into heaven, I wonder if we are participants or merely spectators.
God does not require any sort of list of fulfillments to accept us or validate our Christianity. I'm thinking of this more from the angle of a community of Christ perspective. We are called to be the "body of Christ" that is what the church is. We all have different roles and abilities and we use them uniquely to help propel ourselves and others toward Christ and introduce Christ to those who don't know him. At least in theory.
So is our cultures' new slow leaning toward entertainment driven lives harming our perspective of the church? Or harming the way church functions? If the staff members of the church, use all their energy just barely keeping the normal functionality going, when will they be able to dream to take the church deeper, or expand the church through outreach?
I don't have any answers, nor do I believe my opinions here are definitive. I know I've been guilty of being a spectator from time to time, but I want who I am and how my church is to be drawing people to Christ, not simply entertainment that releases some measure of guilt in my week.
After circulating in a variety of churches all over the country throughout 2010, we've made some interesting speculations. We had a sense and were told by many that the church had changed during our almost 5 year absence. That was definitely true. We also talk to pastors all over who are searching right now. It's like something is off keel but no one is quite sure what.
One observation we feel is confirmed by pastors is that the church in general has become even more of a spectator event than it was before we left. I'd always heard the statistic that it is 20 percent, or pick a number but a small one, of church goers that do the work (teach, clean, nursery etc). It seems there is much more of a sense of: what can you (the church) do for me?
In one sense, church does do something for us. Hopefully, we learn more and are fed more about God and grow closer to him. The church needs to be directing the traffic in our lives toward more of Christ and not less. But in the same measure while works do not save us or get us into heaven, I wonder if we are participants or merely spectators.
God does not require any sort of list of fulfillments to accept us or validate our Christianity. I'm thinking of this more from the angle of a community of Christ perspective. We are called to be the "body of Christ" that is what the church is. We all have different roles and abilities and we use them uniquely to help propel ourselves and others toward Christ and introduce Christ to those who don't know him. At least in theory.
So is our cultures' new slow leaning toward entertainment driven lives harming our perspective of the church? Or harming the way church functions? If the staff members of the church, use all their energy just barely keeping the normal functionality going, when will they be able to dream to take the church deeper, or expand the church through outreach?
I don't have any answers, nor do I believe my opinions here are definitive. I know I've been guilty of being a spectator from time to time, but I want who I am and how my church is to be drawing people to Christ, not simply entertainment that releases some measure of guilt in my week.
04 November 2010
What's a missionary?
When I was a kid, in the (ahem) 70s, it was getting to the end of a legalistic battle of generations. The culture of rules defining the evidence of your faith was struggling. Even though my family wasn't big on the rule scene, it permeated the landscape and my grandparents were definitely in the old school camp.
So slacks or jeans at church were bad for women. Missing church was bad. The judge was still out on pierced ears. Movie theaters could keep you from the rapture (not in my family but in my friend's). Rock music was blasted by many as of the devil though some would tolerate "Christian" rock. Drinking and smoking were straight tracks to...well you get the idea.
So somewhere in all of that without really meaning for it to happen a subliminal idea of "holiness" lodged in my mind. So as a (ahem) 30 something person God started dealing with to become a missionary, I felt at a distinct disadvantage. I am not all these "holiness" things that my mind would tell me I must be to fit the "missionary" mold.
I mean "real" missionaries would never watch movies or listen to *gulp* rock music. Right? Or prefer jeans over skirts and high heels? Or like reading secular novels?
It seems the deeper I go with God, the more I realize that by some remarkable miracle God uses damaged people. Even more amazing, He redeems us bit by bit from our brokenness and occasionally we do something good for his kingdom with a vast amount of His mercy and help. But that's the point, He did the miracle and we are evidence of His love.
So slacks or jeans at church were bad for women. Missing church was bad. The judge was still out on pierced ears. Movie theaters could keep you from the rapture (not in my family but in my friend's). Rock music was blasted by many as of the devil though some would tolerate "Christian" rock. Drinking and smoking were straight tracks to...well you get the idea.
So somewhere in all of that without really meaning for it to happen a subliminal idea of "holiness" lodged in my mind. So as a (ahem) 30 something person God started dealing with to become a missionary, I felt at a distinct disadvantage. I am not all these "holiness" things that my mind would tell me I must be to fit the "missionary" mold.
I mean "real" missionaries would never watch movies or listen to *gulp* rock music. Right? Or prefer jeans over skirts and high heels? Or like reading secular novels?
It seems the deeper I go with God, the more I realize that by some remarkable miracle God uses damaged people. Even more amazing, He redeems us bit by bit from our brokenness and occasionally we do something good for his kingdom with a vast amount of His mercy and help. But that's the point, He did the miracle and we are evidence of His love.
27 September 2010
It's not an easy discussion to have
Lately I've been pondering a very sticky issue. Pacifism - in regards to all of the variety of definitions, personal restraint from military participation, the belief that no country should resolve differences with war, and just a personal opposition to war or violence of any kind.
In the past, I would have answered quickly that well, yes, I believe in using war at times to resolve things. However, recently I've heard some compelling arguments using the New Testament for pacifism in all circumstances. I also have read recently of Ghandi and Martin Luther King Jr's use of nonviolent protest to cause change. Both the groups that followed these men used nonaggression in their protests and met with violence. The world and their nations grew in their compassion for the causes watching the unprovoked violence that was done to the protestors. Again very compelling.
I recognize as a believer that Jesus did not chose, at the ultimate hour of his suffering, to react with violence to what was done to him; nor did he endorse his followers using violence during that dark hour of his being taken by authorities and eventually killed. His "pacifism" in this case did not result in a physical change like Ghandi's. It was a spiritual triumph and a philosophical change for sure, but the Pharisees and Sadducees as a body of legislators did not become "converted" or changed as a system. Not a huge success physically in the non-agression annals, while I do believe it changed the universe spiritually.
The idea of love changing people and systems is very appealing to me. Convicting even. I think in Martin Luther King Jr's case it wasn't that it was love by the protesters as much as a non-agression policy. The same with Ghandi. Yet, it was powerful. But people did die. It wasn't a bloodless event in either case.
If this was followed very strictly, our country would not exist as we know it. While we can trust in God to be at work, it seems that we have Biblical precedent to act in behalf of others. "Greater love hath no man than he lay down his life for his brothers." (John 15:13, 1 John 3:16 and many more). Jesus indeed laid down his life for all of us without a personal benefit to himself.
So I ask myself if fighting tyranny and bringing liberty or freedom, to another group of people is worth sacrificing for? Or even to an individual? I mean that is what Ghandi and others have done with non-aggression, right? But would this same manner have worked in the Nazi situation or were drastic measures called for? I know many Jews tried to go along passively until suddenly they were out of opportunities to escape or resist or bring about change.
On an individual level, I realize we are called on to love. We are never to persecute an individual, but we also hold standards out to all individuals. We don't love them into complete acceptance of every action. (pedophilia, murder) So it seems limits, don't mean that we aren't loving. We may be introducing people to something better, healthier even by placing restrictions on them rather than tolerating everything. Not all things are good for an individual. So when is it our loving responsibility to take action? When a woman is being attacked, does she love or fight her attacker? Does a bystander stop the attacker or find a passive way to protest the situation?
Can the same argument be taken to a larger scale? Sometimes pacifism works - Romania's velvet revolution (though some died). But what do we do with Tienanmen Square in China where people were squelched and imprisoned? I want liberty and freedom for everyone so they have a chance to hear about Christ and make a decision for themselves and for them to live without physical tyranny. Surely that's not a bad motivation? I find personal liberty to be part of what Christ stood for. He didn't stone the woman caught in adultery - he set her free and stopped her attackers. (Yes, I acknowledge he did it without violence.)
Honestly, I haven't resolved this issue. I'm fascinated by both sides and find the subject more complicated than I used to. I know we are living under a different time period than the eye for an eye time period of the Bible, but I'm not sure I can go to complete pacifism in all circumstances either. Another stretching place in my character...
In the past, I would have answered quickly that well, yes, I believe in using war at times to resolve things. However, recently I've heard some compelling arguments using the New Testament for pacifism in all circumstances. I also have read recently of Ghandi and Martin Luther King Jr's use of nonviolent protest to cause change. Both the groups that followed these men used nonaggression in their protests and met with violence. The world and their nations grew in their compassion for the causes watching the unprovoked violence that was done to the protestors. Again very compelling.
I recognize as a believer that Jesus did not chose, at the ultimate hour of his suffering, to react with violence to what was done to him; nor did he endorse his followers using violence during that dark hour of his being taken by authorities and eventually killed. His "pacifism" in this case did not result in a physical change like Ghandi's. It was a spiritual triumph and a philosophical change for sure, but the Pharisees and Sadducees as a body of legislators did not become "converted" or changed as a system. Not a huge success physically in the non-agression annals, while I do believe it changed the universe spiritually.
The idea of love changing people and systems is very appealing to me. Convicting even. I think in Martin Luther King Jr's case it wasn't that it was love by the protesters as much as a non-agression policy. The same with Ghandi. Yet, it was powerful. But people did die. It wasn't a bloodless event in either case.
If this was followed very strictly, our country would not exist as we know it. While we can trust in God to be at work, it seems that we have Biblical precedent to act in behalf of others. "Greater love hath no man than he lay down his life for his brothers." (John 15:13, 1 John 3:16 and many more). Jesus indeed laid down his life for all of us without a personal benefit to himself.
So I ask myself if fighting tyranny and bringing liberty or freedom, to another group of people is worth sacrificing for? Or even to an individual? I mean that is what Ghandi and others have done with non-aggression, right? But would this same manner have worked in the Nazi situation or were drastic measures called for? I know many Jews tried to go along passively until suddenly they were out of opportunities to escape or resist or bring about change.
On an individual level, I realize we are called on to love. We are never to persecute an individual, but we also hold standards out to all individuals. We don't love them into complete acceptance of every action. (pedophilia, murder) So it seems limits, don't mean that we aren't loving. We may be introducing people to something better, healthier even by placing restrictions on them rather than tolerating everything. Not all things are good for an individual. So when is it our loving responsibility to take action? When a woman is being attacked, does she love or fight her attacker? Does a bystander stop the attacker or find a passive way to protest the situation?
Can the same argument be taken to a larger scale? Sometimes pacifism works - Romania's velvet revolution (though some died). But what do we do with Tienanmen Square in China where people were squelched and imprisoned? I want liberty and freedom for everyone so they have a chance to hear about Christ and make a decision for themselves and for them to live without physical tyranny. Surely that's not a bad motivation? I find personal liberty to be part of what Christ stood for. He didn't stone the woman caught in adultery - he set her free and stopped her attackers. (Yes, I acknowledge he did it without violence.)
Honestly, I haven't resolved this issue. I'm fascinated by both sides and find the subject more complicated than I used to. I know we are living under a different time period than the eye for an eye time period of the Bible, but I'm not sure I can go to complete pacifism in all circumstances either. Another stretching place in my character...
04 September 2010
Who am I? Are you ever surprised at yourself?
Three things have come to my attention lately and taken together are a challenge to the way I think about myself. Taken separately they seem innocuous enough, but when I put them together it makes me wonder.
1. In July, I visited my grandfather and he was saying something about Jimmy Swaggert who he likes very much, likes to watch on tv and listen to his music on cd from the good ol' days. I made a negative comment based on Jimmy's infamous fall from grace and grandpa said he repented and we shouldn't hold it against him. I didn't argue that Jimmy refused the restoration process or that perhaps the fall should preclude him from telling people from a leadership role how to serve God. But I thought that.
2. I heard a Christian dvd that at one point did one of those personality analysis. It was sort of like, "oh, yeah, another one," but this one used what I would call a more clear break down of the 4 personality types. Perfect, Peace, Fun, and ? okay I forgot the 4th. What I realized was that while I have strong other characteristics, the perfect category dominates me. Not that by any stretch I'm perfect, but that I'm sometimes paralyzed and very motivated by trying to get things "right" and keep them "on track" and that helps me feel like things are right in the world.
3. I read that Martin Luther King Jr had numerous affairs right up until he died and that he plagerized. This disappointed me so much. I was also surprised I'd never heard it, but it was a reliable source I was reading. It sort of lessened his role for me. It tarnished him and I was surprised that everyone had accepted him so much in this leadership with these flaws.
But in recognizing my shock and disappointment; and putting it together with the other two events above I realized how I was throwing out the person and all their work in one fell swoop. Taking this with #2 I realized I have a very high (too high?) standard for leadership. Or maybe it's not that the standard is too high, but that I throw everything out all at once, including their achievements, if it is flawed. I would say this was a subconscious thing until this week.
Honestly, as I contemplate it I'm not comfortable with the judgmentalism I suddenly recognize in myself but in the same breath I don't feel comfortable with accepting simply any behavior in a leader. I think I need to learn to accept that some good can come from these flawed people and that it doesn't necessarily delegitimize that good if they (gasp) are terribly human and give in to temptation. Something I read said if we only accept truth from flawless people we are all in trouble. I'm not going to sign up for any fan clubs of fallen and flawed Christians and I will most assuredly have greater respect for the Billy Grahams who don't give in to the dirty laundry of the world as the norm, but what an amazing thing to realize about myself at this point in life. It's time to grow.
1. In July, I visited my grandfather and he was saying something about Jimmy Swaggert who he likes very much, likes to watch on tv and listen to his music on cd from the good ol' days. I made a negative comment based on Jimmy's infamous fall from grace and grandpa said he repented and we shouldn't hold it against him. I didn't argue that Jimmy refused the restoration process or that perhaps the fall should preclude him from telling people from a leadership role how to serve God. But I thought that.
2. I heard a Christian dvd that at one point did one of those personality analysis. It was sort of like, "oh, yeah, another one," but this one used what I would call a more clear break down of the 4 personality types. Perfect, Peace, Fun, and ? okay I forgot the 4th. What I realized was that while I have strong other characteristics, the perfect category dominates me. Not that by any stretch I'm perfect, but that I'm sometimes paralyzed and very motivated by trying to get things "right" and keep them "on track" and that helps me feel like things are right in the world.
3. I read that Martin Luther King Jr had numerous affairs right up until he died and that he plagerized. This disappointed me so much. I was also surprised I'd never heard it, but it was a reliable source I was reading. It sort of lessened his role for me. It tarnished him and I was surprised that everyone had accepted him so much in this leadership with these flaws.
But in recognizing my shock and disappointment; and putting it together with the other two events above I realized how I was throwing out the person and all their work in one fell swoop. Taking this with #2 I realized I have a very high (too high?) standard for leadership. Or maybe it's not that the standard is too high, but that I throw everything out all at once, including their achievements, if it is flawed. I would say this was a subconscious thing until this week.
Honestly, as I contemplate it I'm not comfortable with the judgmentalism I suddenly recognize in myself but in the same breath I don't feel comfortable with accepting simply any behavior in a leader. I think I need to learn to accept that some good can come from these flawed people and that it doesn't necessarily delegitimize that good if they (gasp) are terribly human and give in to temptation. Something I read said if we only accept truth from flawless people we are all in trouble. I'm not going to sign up for any fan clubs of fallen and flawed Christians and I will most assuredly have greater respect for the Billy Grahams who don't give in to the dirty laundry of the world as the norm, but what an amazing thing to realize about myself at this point in life. It's time to grow.
04 August 2010
Fruitful conflict
So yesterday was an election day and today I read an American Spectator article that emphasized the dichotomy of our country in the political arena. The odd thing is I feel like I'm watching the same thing occuring in the church (in general not one church).
A constant tension exists between what young want, what old want, what music style is preferred, the length of church, the frequency of church, the length of music the length and style of preaching. It's like we as a society are fractured and no longer know how to communicate.
Each side of the equation (political and church) call each other wrong. The Christians can go so far as to say sin and evil. Politicians call each other liars. This has been a sad part of society for me to realize since I've been back in the USA. It may have always been there and for some reason my absence and return brought it to the forefront.
But within the church I had a strange and I'm sure completely unrealistic thought. What would our conflicts look like if we were ruled by the fruit of the Holy Spirit when we dealt with one another and the issues. What if love, joy, peace, patience, self control, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and faithfulness were our watch words in dealing with how others want to do church. I know many of the arguers would say no -- they are being faithful because it is WRONG. But, the situation could still be handled with love, joy and peace surely? Alas, no, it seems not. And this makes me sad.
A constant tension exists between what young want, what old want, what music style is preferred, the length of church, the frequency of church, the length of music the length and style of preaching. It's like we as a society are fractured and no longer know how to communicate.
Each side of the equation (political and church) call each other wrong. The Christians can go so far as to say sin and evil. Politicians call each other liars. This has been a sad part of society for me to realize since I've been back in the USA. It may have always been there and for some reason my absence and return brought it to the forefront.
But within the church I had a strange and I'm sure completely unrealistic thought. What would our conflicts look like if we were ruled by the fruit of the Holy Spirit when we dealt with one another and the issues. What if love, joy, peace, patience, self control, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and faithfulness were our watch words in dealing with how others want to do church. I know many of the arguers would say no -- they are being faithful because it is WRONG. But, the situation could still be handled with love, joy and peace surely? Alas, no, it seems not. And this makes me sad.
09 July 2010
Silence and Affirmation
It's interesting that we often take silence as disapproval, but it is often not the case. People forget to say good job or atta-girl. Some tasks and work goes unnoticed. For those of us with who have a greater need for that acknowledgment (love language?), the silence can be painful and negative.
When the affirmation does come, it has that soothing effect of balm on a sore or water in the desert. Ahhhhh.
But I keep asking myself and have been challenged by speakers - what if I could find my affirmation solely and uniquely in how Jesus views me? What if I knew I was so precious to God and He would go to great lengths to have a relationship with me? Really knew it deep in my psyche? Wouldn't that be wonderful?
So harking back to the previous entry, the same author made the comment that Jesus went through the silent years when we know nothing of him. The teens and twenties pass with God not turning him loose to do his calling. But what is the first thing out of the silence that happens? The voice of God comes from heaven after his baptism, "This is my son in whom I am well please." A beautiful affirmation.
God was pleased before Jesus DID all the things he is famous for doing. It reminds me of the phrase before we knew Him, he loved us. What great thoughts. I want to press them into my soul and see that God is affirming me even when I don't meet my own standards of perfection and He is taking me to a better version of me on the journey.
When the affirmation does come, it has that soothing effect of balm on a sore or water in the desert. Ahhhhh.
But I keep asking myself and have been challenged by speakers - what if I could find my affirmation solely and uniquely in how Jesus views me? What if I knew I was so precious to God and He would go to great lengths to have a relationship with me? Really knew it deep in my psyche? Wouldn't that be wonderful?
So harking back to the previous entry, the same author made the comment that Jesus went through the silent years when we know nothing of him. The teens and twenties pass with God not turning him loose to do his calling. But what is the first thing out of the silence that happens? The voice of God comes from heaven after his baptism, "This is my son in whom I am well please." A beautiful affirmation.
God was pleased before Jesus DID all the things he is famous for doing. It reminds me of the phrase before we knew Him, he loved us. What great thoughts. I want to press them into my soul and see that God is affirming me even when I don't meet my own standards of perfection and He is taking me to a better version of me on the journey.
04 July 2010
Obscurity
How many of us live our existence is relative obscurity? We have our friends and family but we don't have something infamous or famous and yet what great significance we have.
This theme first occurred to me last week when a memorial video was played of missionaries who have died in the last year who were with my missions organization. All of them were quite old and had fought the good fight and won the race. It made me sad because I thought of grandma who passed in the last year. Some part of me hurt because no one would show a slide show about her month later. Yet, a voice cried out in my mind because I remember and celebrate her, it is okay. She may have lived an obscure life but it was important in its unique way.
The next day there was a lecture by Alicia Britt Chole. She had a very challenging idea that I had not heard presented before in Christian circles. She noted, very eloquently, that nearly of of Christ's existence was hidden. He had this moment of bursting on the scene as an infant, an appearance at the temple, a brief fleeing as a toddler. Next we see him in the temple as a youth and then not again until he is 30 years old. Most of this time is hidden from us. Her challenge was that he became the person he needed to be for his ministry years in that obscurity. It was not "wasted" as we might think of it from a purely public relations, marketing perspective. It was development.
So the third thing this week that made me think of obscurity was receiving my alumni news magazine from my college. It used to make me think dreadful thoughts about how little I've done with my life, but this time I thought differently as I read the accolades of fellow alum. I searched it in a selfish way wondering who might be a connection to someone who would support our missions work or who of these people might be compelled also by our goals. But I also realized that we all send in our current status in an attempt to pull out of our obscurity for a moment. To shine out in the crowd. I too do these things, but for some reason all these things this week have made me realize there is no shame in obscurity. No waste in our quiet bits of life that don't appear on lots of radar screens. Perhaps there is something of treasure there if we know how to look.
This theme first occurred to me last week when a memorial video was played of missionaries who have died in the last year who were with my missions organization. All of them were quite old and had fought the good fight and won the race. It made me sad because I thought of grandma who passed in the last year. Some part of me hurt because no one would show a slide show about her month later. Yet, a voice cried out in my mind because I remember and celebrate her, it is okay. She may have lived an obscure life but it was important in its unique way.
The next day there was a lecture by Alicia Britt Chole. She had a very challenging idea that I had not heard presented before in Christian circles. She noted, very eloquently, that nearly of of Christ's existence was hidden. He had this moment of bursting on the scene as an infant, an appearance at the temple, a brief fleeing as a toddler. Next we see him in the temple as a youth and then not again until he is 30 years old. Most of this time is hidden from us. Her challenge was that he became the person he needed to be for his ministry years in that obscurity. It was not "wasted" as we might think of it from a purely public relations, marketing perspective. It was development.
So the third thing this week that made me think of obscurity was receiving my alumni news magazine from my college. It used to make me think dreadful thoughts about how little I've done with my life, but this time I thought differently as I read the accolades of fellow alum. I searched it in a selfish way wondering who might be a connection to someone who would support our missions work or who of these people might be compelled also by our goals. But I also realized that we all send in our current status in an attempt to pull out of our obscurity for a moment. To shine out in the crowd. I too do these things, but for some reason all these things this week have made me realize there is no shame in obscurity. No waste in our quiet bits of life that don't appear on lots of radar screens. Perhaps there is something of treasure there if we know how to look.
04 April 2008
Rest and Rejuvenation
What do you do to rest? Not just sleep but deep down relaxation that involves more than just sleep. I've felt for a few weeks that I'm bone tired. Nothing to do I'm sure with two projects that involved 12-13 hour days. Other than daylight savings time which was last weekend, I'm resting well at night. I've even gone to bed early a couple times. So physically I'm alright.
It's my brain that's tired. I took a day last week and tried to just meditate and evaluate what is important in my life and schedule, and of course for prayer. That day has helped a lot. I've felt closer to my old self since then even though I wasn't really able to resolve - what should my priorities be right now etc.
I had seen/heard several things in a week about lingering before God, or being still and waiting before God, those kind of themes. I realized that this is hard for me and my personality. It's almost a discipline for me to try to sit quietly and just concentrate on God and hearing him. I can talk to him...yeah I can talk a lot. It's the listening that is a challenge. When I'm too busy my brain can't stop and listen.
Of course times get busy but other times aren't as hectic and those are the times that I need to discipline myself to be still before God. The little bit I was able to do was refreshing. It's too easy in busyness to lose track of God and the important things in life. In crazy busyness, which we all have at times, it's all you can do just to survive and you can't rejuvenate.
I also need to restore my creativity. It feels a little sapped and not because I've been so terribly creative. It's just a part of me that needs more energy again. How do you nourish that part of you? Maybe I need to exercise my creativity with something different than video projects.
So what do you do that rejuvenates you? I know laughter always helps me - anyone seen a funny movie lately? I've been in the mood to go to the movies but haven't got organized to figure out where and what and when. Reading blogs and reconnecting with everyone feels good too - it reminds me that life is bigger than the current conundrum. (Do I get some kind of weird blog points for using that word??)
It's my brain that's tired. I took a day last week and tried to just meditate and evaluate what is important in my life and schedule, and of course for prayer. That day has helped a lot. I've felt closer to my old self since then even though I wasn't really able to resolve - what should my priorities be right now etc.
I had seen/heard several things in a week about lingering before God, or being still and waiting before God, those kind of themes. I realized that this is hard for me and my personality. It's almost a discipline for me to try to sit quietly and just concentrate on God and hearing him. I can talk to him...yeah I can talk a lot. It's the listening that is a challenge. When I'm too busy my brain can't stop and listen.
Of course times get busy but other times aren't as hectic and those are the times that I need to discipline myself to be still before God. The little bit I was able to do was refreshing. It's too easy in busyness to lose track of God and the important things in life. In crazy busyness, which we all have at times, it's all you can do just to survive and you can't rejuvenate.
I also need to restore my creativity. It feels a little sapped and not because I've been so terribly creative. It's just a part of me that needs more energy again. How do you nourish that part of you? Maybe I need to exercise my creativity with something different than video projects.
So what do you do that rejuvenates you? I know laughter always helps me - anyone seen a funny movie lately? I've been in the mood to go to the movies but haven't got organized to figure out where and what and when. Reading blogs and reconnecting with everyone feels good too - it reminds me that life is bigger than the current conundrum. (Do I get some kind of weird blog points for using that word??)
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