I guess there are things that are going to be a challenge all my days. I look back at things I blogged about last year that still haunt me. Or something I'll read in a book or the Bible one day that seems so apropos and so applicable and then I can't seem to make it work in my soul the very next day. Apparently "getting it right" (is that a perfectionist voice sticking out?) isn't goine to be a one time project but an ongoing life long process. I remember as a teenager recognizing that I am overly self-sufficient (self dependent?) and have struggled to put things in God's hands. So what do I struggle with when I'm ahem, 40-something? I'm self-sufficient and don't trust.
Last year I blogged in "I'm damaging my calm" about knowing God's love is unconditional and yet finding myself straining and thinking well, if I tried harder at this or that....maybe I'd get better results. I blame myself for the results rather than trusting in a loving God who cares about me and living whole in that, end of sentence, nothing to do with what I DO.
One thing that I know that is a constant challenge for me is not knowing when enough is enough. In the fund raising process, as I've complained a few times in the last year, it is slow and there is very little feedback on whether things are working or not. So that "getting it right" voice, says, "well, maybe if you....fill in the blank." I have over the last year or maybe always not known when I've done my best and when I've crossed the line into striving. This has come at the price of a deep exhaustion this year. Do you have any tricks for knowing when enough is enough?
The odd thing is I still know and believe but somehow don't know how to function in the fact that I am God's precious child. I do not need to earn his acceptance or approval but simply accept that love. But I am the child on the swings, sure of the Father's love, yet calling out to him, "Do you see me? See how high I swing? Is it good?" And I think all the time, He may be trying to get me to go inside and have a nap.
Showing posts with label spiritual. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spiritual. Show all posts
14 February 2011
17 November 2010
Christian marketing
I've heard some discussions in my book world, in my video production world and speculated that the same is true in music the music world. All of these in regard to Christian products.
I know that when a book or video distributor/printer becomes successful they have guidelines. This can be good in that it guides them to choose projects that are a good fit for their company, but I'm beginning to suspect that some of the parameters and rules placed on art by the big companies, publishers, distributors (THEM for lack of a better term) have turned it into a repetitious formula. The danger with this is that new artists or styles don't find a commercial voice even if they have minor success on local levels.
It's like THEY by finding a formula of movies, books, or dare I say it music, dictate what can and cannot be popular. Now this is true in both secular and Christian circles but I've been thinking about it in regard to the Christian market place.
I heard a lecture about the so-called rules for a Christian movie that places like Sony are putting on things they will distribute. It's not moral convictions. It's just that x + y has equaled marketing success. SO, no sex, no bad words, no, no whatever the rules fill in the blank. Christian books have similar limits. I once heard an acquiring editor for a Christian press say they did not accept any book with a divorced protagonist or significant other. So how believable and realistic are these pieces? Bad guys who aren't too bad (no swearing). Good guys who are, well, too perfect (no sins). Do you ever see something that doesn't quite ring true but it was pretty good, just not quite? Maybe it didn't have believable characters. Maybe it followed the formula for financial, marketing success but not necessarily the most satisfying story it could be. Maybe a tiny bit of reality was squeezed out of it so it would fit better in the Christian system.
I had been thinking these things in my head driving around and I was listening to the radio. I'm a station flipper when left alone. I flip til I like a song then flip again. I kept trying the Christian station and flipping away. It was all that sort of country sounding alternative songs and all sounding the same (and not to my taste). It occurred to me that the Christian radio mavens and masters have done the same thing that the Christian book and movie guardians had. Only one style is getting through because it fits the formula. I'm absolutely positive there are Christians out there with other musical sounds and granted I'm a flipper so there is much I miss, but still.
Not to say the secular world doesn't do the same thing, but it's disappointing as someone who wants to move in those circles to think I have to fit some odd uncomfortable formula to be considered "legitimate." Sorry to say I'm probably not gonna fit.
I know that when a book or video distributor/printer becomes successful they have guidelines. This can be good in that it guides them to choose projects that are a good fit for their company, but I'm beginning to suspect that some of the parameters and rules placed on art by the big companies, publishers, distributors (THEM for lack of a better term) have turned it into a repetitious formula. The danger with this is that new artists or styles don't find a commercial voice even if they have minor success on local levels.
It's like THEY by finding a formula of movies, books, or dare I say it music, dictate what can and cannot be popular. Now this is true in both secular and Christian circles but I've been thinking about it in regard to the Christian market place.
I heard a lecture about the so-called rules for a Christian movie that places like Sony are putting on things they will distribute. It's not moral convictions. It's just that x + y has equaled marketing success. SO, no sex, no bad words, no, no whatever the rules fill in the blank. Christian books have similar limits. I once heard an acquiring editor for a Christian press say they did not accept any book with a divorced protagonist or significant other. So how believable and realistic are these pieces? Bad guys who aren't too bad (no swearing). Good guys who are, well, too perfect (no sins). Do you ever see something that doesn't quite ring true but it was pretty good, just not quite? Maybe it didn't have believable characters. Maybe it followed the formula for financial, marketing success but not necessarily the most satisfying story it could be. Maybe a tiny bit of reality was squeezed out of it so it would fit better in the Christian system.
I had been thinking these things in my head driving around and I was listening to the radio. I'm a station flipper when left alone. I flip til I like a song then flip again. I kept trying the Christian station and flipping away. It was all that sort of country sounding alternative songs and all sounding the same (and not to my taste). It occurred to me that the Christian radio mavens and masters have done the same thing that the Christian book and movie guardians had. Only one style is getting through because it fits the formula. I'm absolutely positive there are Christians out there with other musical sounds and granted I'm a flipper so there is much I miss, but still.
Not to say the secular world doesn't do the same thing, but it's disappointing as someone who wants to move in those circles to think I have to fit some odd uncomfortable formula to be considered "legitimate." Sorry to say I'm probably not gonna fit.
04 November 2010
What's a missionary?
When I was a kid, in the (ahem) 70s, it was getting to the end of a legalistic battle of generations. The culture of rules defining the evidence of your faith was struggling. Even though my family wasn't big on the rule scene, it permeated the landscape and my grandparents were definitely in the old school camp.
So slacks or jeans at church were bad for women. Missing church was bad. The judge was still out on pierced ears. Movie theaters could keep you from the rapture (not in my family but in my friend's). Rock music was blasted by many as of the devil though some would tolerate "Christian" rock. Drinking and smoking were straight tracks to...well you get the idea.
So somewhere in all of that without really meaning for it to happen a subliminal idea of "holiness" lodged in my mind. So as a (ahem) 30 something person God started dealing with to become a missionary, I felt at a distinct disadvantage. I am not all these "holiness" things that my mind would tell me I must be to fit the "missionary" mold.
I mean "real" missionaries would never watch movies or listen to *gulp* rock music. Right? Or prefer jeans over skirts and high heels? Or like reading secular novels?
It seems the deeper I go with God, the more I realize that by some remarkable miracle God uses damaged people. Even more amazing, He redeems us bit by bit from our brokenness and occasionally we do something good for his kingdom with a vast amount of His mercy and help. But that's the point, He did the miracle and we are evidence of His love.
So slacks or jeans at church were bad for women. Missing church was bad. The judge was still out on pierced ears. Movie theaters could keep you from the rapture (not in my family but in my friend's). Rock music was blasted by many as of the devil though some would tolerate "Christian" rock. Drinking and smoking were straight tracks to...well you get the idea.
So somewhere in all of that without really meaning for it to happen a subliminal idea of "holiness" lodged in my mind. So as a (ahem) 30 something person God started dealing with to become a missionary, I felt at a distinct disadvantage. I am not all these "holiness" things that my mind would tell me I must be to fit the "missionary" mold.
I mean "real" missionaries would never watch movies or listen to *gulp* rock music. Right? Or prefer jeans over skirts and high heels? Or like reading secular novels?
It seems the deeper I go with God, the more I realize that by some remarkable miracle God uses damaged people. Even more amazing, He redeems us bit by bit from our brokenness and occasionally we do something good for his kingdom with a vast amount of His mercy and help. But that's the point, He did the miracle and we are evidence of His love.
04 September 2010
Who am I? Are you ever surprised at yourself?
Three things have come to my attention lately and taken together are a challenge to the way I think about myself. Taken separately they seem innocuous enough, but when I put them together it makes me wonder.
1. In July, I visited my grandfather and he was saying something about Jimmy Swaggert who he likes very much, likes to watch on tv and listen to his music on cd from the good ol' days. I made a negative comment based on Jimmy's infamous fall from grace and grandpa said he repented and we shouldn't hold it against him. I didn't argue that Jimmy refused the restoration process or that perhaps the fall should preclude him from telling people from a leadership role how to serve God. But I thought that.
2. I heard a Christian dvd that at one point did one of those personality analysis. It was sort of like, "oh, yeah, another one," but this one used what I would call a more clear break down of the 4 personality types. Perfect, Peace, Fun, and ? okay I forgot the 4th. What I realized was that while I have strong other characteristics, the perfect category dominates me. Not that by any stretch I'm perfect, but that I'm sometimes paralyzed and very motivated by trying to get things "right" and keep them "on track" and that helps me feel like things are right in the world.
3. I read that Martin Luther King Jr had numerous affairs right up until he died and that he plagerized. This disappointed me so much. I was also surprised I'd never heard it, but it was a reliable source I was reading. It sort of lessened his role for me. It tarnished him and I was surprised that everyone had accepted him so much in this leadership with these flaws.
But in recognizing my shock and disappointment; and putting it together with the other two events above I realized how I was throwing out the person and all their work in one fell swoop. Taking this with #2 I realized I have a very high (too high?) standard for leadership. Or maybe it's not that the standard is too high, but that I throw everything out all at once, including their achievements, if it is flawed. I would say this was a subconscious thing until this week.
Honestly, as I contemplate it I'm not comfortable with the judgmentalism I suddenly recognize in myself but in the same breath I don't feel comfortable with accepting simply any behavior in a leader. I think I need to learn to accept that some good can come from these flawed people and that it doesn't necessarily delegitimize that good if they (gasp) are terribly human and give in to temptation. Something I read said if we only accept truth from flawless people we are all in trouble. I'm not going to sign up for any fan clubs of fallen and flawed Christians and I will most assuredly have greater respect for the Billy Grahams who don't give in to the dirty laundry of the world as the norm, but what an amazing thing to realize about myself at this point in life. It's time to grow.
1. In July, I visited my grandfather and he was saying something about Jimmy Swaggert who he likes very much, likes to watch on tv and listen to his music on cd from the good ol' days. I made a negative comment based on Jimmy's infamous fall from grace and grandpa said he repented and we shouldn't hold it against him. I didn't argue that Jimmy refused the restoration process or that perhaps the fall should preclude him from telling people from a leadership role how to serve God. But I thought that.
2. I heard a Christian dvd that at one point did one of those personality analysis. It was sort of like, "oh, yeah, another one," but this one used what I would call a more clear break down of the 4 personality types. Perfect, Peace, Fun, and ? okay I forgot the 4th. What I realized was that while I have strong other characteristics, the perfect category dominates me. Not that by any stretch I'm perfect, but that I'm sometimes paralyzed and very motivated by trying to get things "right" and keep them "on track" and that helps me feel like things are right in the world.
3. I read that Martin Luther King Jr had numerous affairs right up until he died and that he plagerized. This disappointed me so much. I was also surprised I'd never heard it, but it was a reliable source I was reading. It sort of lessened his role for me. It tarnished him and I was surprised that everyone had accepted him so much in this leadership with these flaws.
But in recognizing my shock and disappointment; and putting it together with the other two events above I realized how I was throwing out the person and all their work in one fell swoop. Taking this with #2 I realized I have a very high (too high?) standard for leadership. Or maybe it's not that the standard is too high, but that I throw everything out all at once, including their achievements, if it is flawed. I would say this was a subconscious thing until this week.
Honestly, as I contemplate it I'm not comfortable with the judgmentalism I suddenly recognize in myself but in the same breath I don't feel comfortable with accepting simply any behavior in a leader. I think I need to learn to accept that some good can come from these flawed people and that it doesn't necessarily delegitimize that good if they (gasp) are terribly human and give in to temptation. Something I read said if we only accept truth from flawless people we are all in trouble. I'm not going to sign up for any fan clubs of fallen and flawed Christians and I will most assuredly have greater respect for the Billy Grahams who don't give in to the dirty laundry of the world as the norm, but what an amazing thing to realize about myself at this point in life. It's time to grow.
23 August 2010
Misfits?
On occasion I find myself in a group of strangers for my work with the odd sensation that it is a group of unusual people. They are outside my experience by default as new people, but for some reason there are these groupings where everyone is in eccentric or misfit category. This doesn't bother me and I find these people are more endearing for their eccentricities. And really it's all relative, isn't it? Who gets to judge eccentric or misfit? But you know what I'm saying when you meet these people. I know I've also had the feeling in other circles of being the misfit in the room.
But I had the sudden thought that we are all misfits. None of us can attain a level of perfection or acclimation that will make us acceptable to everyone else on the planet. Much less can we manage ourselves into a state of acceptability to God. In the eternal economy we are all misfits, none of us gets to go across that line of acceptance or goodness based on our own work on our personalities.
What a joy I took in bowing, figuratively, to God on the same side of the line as the misfits or challenging people (in my limited view). I can't propel myself across the line. It's a freeing idea really. Hopefully it helps me to feel more generous to the people I find different from me recognizing that we all need God's hand to reach across the line and erase the selfishness of myself.
But I had the sudden thought that we are all misfits. None of us can attain a level of perfection or acclimation that will make us acceptable to everyone else on the planet. Much less can we manage ourselves into a state of acceptability to God. In the eternal economy we are all misfits, none of us gets to go across that line of acceptance or goodness based on our own work on our personalities.
What a joy I took in bowing, figuratively, to God on the same side of the line as the misfits or challenging people (in my limited view). I can't propel myself across the line. It's a freeing idea really. Hopefully it helps me to feel more generous to the people I find different from me recognizing that we all need God's hand to reach across the line and erase the selfishness of myself.
04 August 2010
Fruitful conflict
So yesterday was an election day and today I read an American Spectator article that emphasized the dichotomy of our country in the political arena. The odd thing is I feel like I'm watching the same thing occuring in the church (in general not one church).
A constant tension exists between what young want, what old want, what music style is preferred, the length of church, the frequency of church, the length of music the length and style of preaching. It's like we as a society are fractured and no longer know how to communicate.
Each side of the equation (political and church) call each other wrong. The Christians can go so far as to say sin and evil. Politicians call each other liars. This has been a sad part of society for me to realize since I've been back in the USA. It may have always been there and for some reason my absence and return brought it to the forefront.
But within the church I had a strange and I'm sure completely unrealistic thought. What would our conflicts look like if we were ruled by the fruit of the Holy Spirit when we dealt with one another and the issues. What if love, joy, peace, patience, self control, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and faithfulness were our watch words in dealing with how others want to do church. I know many of the arguers would say no -- they are being faithful because it is WRONG. But, the situation could still be handled with love, joy and peace surely? Alas, no, it seems not. And this makes me sad.
A constant tension exists between what young want, what old want, what music style is preferred, the length of church, the frequency of church, the length of music the length and style of preaching. It's like we as a society are fractured and no longer know how to communicate.
Each side of the equation (political and church) call each other wrong. The Christians can go so far as to say sin and evil. Politicians call each other liars. This has been a sad part of society for me to realize since I've been back in the USA. It may have always been there and for some reason my absence and return brought it to the forefront.
But within the church I had a strange and I'm sure completely unrealistic thought. What would our conflicts look like if we were ruled by the fruit of the Holy Spirit when we dealt with one another and the issues. What if love, joy, peace, patience, self control, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and faithfulness were our watch words in dealing with how others want to do church. I know many of the arguers would say no -- they are being faithful because it is WRONG. But, the situation could still be handled with love, joy and peace surely? Alas, no, it seems not. And this makes me sad.
09 July 2010
Silence and Affirmation
It's interesting that we often take silence as disapproval, but it is often not the case. People forget to say good job or atta-girl. Some tasks and work goes unnoticed. For those of us with who have a greater need for that acknowledgment (love language?), the silence can be painful and negative.
When the affirmation does come, it has that soothing effect of balm on a sore or water in the desert. Ahhhhh.
But I keep asking myself and have been challenged by speakers - what if I could find my affirmation solely and uniquely in how Jesus views me? What if I knew I was so precious to God and He would go to great lengths to have a relationship with me? Really knew it deep in my psyche? Wouldn't that be wonderful?
So harking back to the previous entry, the same author made the comment that Jesus went through the silent years when we know nothing of him. The teens and twenties pass with God not turning him loose to do his calling. But what is the first thing out of the silence that happens? The voice of God comes from heaven after his baptism, "This is my son in whom I am well please." A beautiful affirmation.
God was pleased before Jesus DID all the things he is famous for doing. It reminds me of the phrase before we knew Him, he loved us. What great thoughts. I want to press them into my soul and see that God is affirming me even when I don't meet my own standards of perfection and He is taking me to a better version of me on the journey.
When the affirmation does come, it has that soothing effect of balm on a sore or water in the desert. Ahhhhh.
But I keep asking myself and have been challenged by speakers - what if I could find my affirmation solely and uniquely in how Jesus views me? What if I knew I was so precious to God and He would go to great lengths to have a relationship with me? Really knew it deep in my psyche? Wouldn't that be wonderful?
So harking back to the previous entry, the same author made the comment that Jesus went through the silent years when we know nothing of him. The teens and twenties pass with God not turning him loose to do his calling. But what is the first thing out of the silence that happens? The voice of God comes from heaven after his baptism, "This is my son in whom I am well please." A beautiful affirmation.
God was pleased before Jesus DID all the things he is famous for doing. It reminds me of the phrase before we knew Him, he loved us. What great thoughts. I want to press them into my soul and see that God is affirming me even when I don't meet my own standards of perfection and He is taking me to a better version of me on the journey.
04 July 2010
Obscurity
How many of us live our existence is relative obscurity? We have our friends and family but we don't have something infamous or famous and yet what great significance we have.
This theme first occurred to me last week when a memorial video was played of missionaries who have died in the last year who were with my missions organization. All of them were quite old and had fought the good fight and won the race. It made me sad because I thought of grandma who passed in the last year. Some part of me hurt because no one would show a slide show about her month later. Yet, a voice cried out in my mind because I remember and celebrate her, it is okay. She may have lived an obscure life but it was important in its unique way.
The next day there was a lecture by Alicia Britt Chole. She had a very challenging idea that I had not heard presented before in Christian circles. She noted, very eloquently, that nearly of of Christ's existence was hidden. He had this moment of bursting on the scene as an infant, an appearance at the temple, a brief fleeing as a toddler. Next we see him in the temple as a youth and then not again until he is 30 years old. Most of this time is hidden from us. Her challenge was that he became the person he needed to be for his ministry years in that obscurity. It was not "wasted" as we might think of it from a purely public relations, marketing perspective. It was development.
So the third thing this week that made me think of obscurity was receiving my alumni news magazine from my college. It used to make me think dreadful thoughts about how little I've done with my life, but this time I thought differently as I read the accolades of fellow alum. I searched it in a selfish way wondering who might be a connection to someone who would support our missions work or who of these people might be compelled also by our goals. But I also realized that we all send in our current status in an attempt to pull out of our obscurity for a moment. To shine out in the crowd. I too do these things, but for some reason all these things this week have made me realize there is no shame in obscurity. No waste in our quiet bits of life that don't appear on lots of radar screens. Perhaps there is something of treasure there if we know how to look.
This theme first occurred to me last week when a memorial video was played of missionaries who have died in the last year who were with my missions organization. All of them were quite old and had fought the good fight and won the race. It made me sad because I thought of grandma who passed in the last year. Some part of me hurt because no one would show a slide show about her month later. Yet, a voice cried out in my mind because I remember and celebrate her, it is okay. She may have lived an obscure life but it was important in its unique way.
The next day there was a lecture by Alicia Britt Chole. She had a very challenging idea that I had not heard presented before in Christian circles. She noted, very eloquently, that nearly of of Christ's existence was hidden. He had this moment of bursting on the scene as an infant, an appearance at the temple, a brief fleeing as a toddler. Next we see him in the temple as a youth and then not again until he is 30 years old. Most of this time is hidden from us. Her challenge was that he became the person he needed to be for his ministry years in that obscurity. It was not "wasted" as we might think of it from a purely public relations, marketing perspective. It was development.
So the third thing this week that made me think of obscurity was receiving my alumni news magazine from my college. It used to make me think dreadful thoughts about how little I've done with my life, but this time I thought differently as I read the accolades of fellow alum. I searched it in a selfish way wondering who might be a connection to someone who would support our missions work or who of these people might be compelled also by our goals. But I also realized that we all send in our current status in an attempt to pull out of our obscurity for a moment. To shine out in the crowd. I too do these things, but for some reason all these things this week have made me realize there is no shame in obscurity. No waste in our quiet bits of life that don't appear on lots of radar screens. Perhaps there is something of treasure there if we know how to look.
17 February 2010
I'm damaging my calm
I read once in a secular self help book that even if you were a complete invalid, unable to move in your bed that you would have value. I thought that was a beautiful thought and expanded the idea to realize that we don't have to do or be doing for God to love and value us. While I believe absolutely in my mind that this is true, I can't seem to translate that down into my behavior.
Right now we are in a painful process trying to raise funds for our missionary endeavors. It's not a good economy. Churches aren't exactly having an easy time. People have cut back on giving as something they can cut. It's just a fact right now. We leave messages for 20-30 pastors a week and hear back from only a few. I understand, I wouldn't want to have to keep telling people, "No, I can't help you." It's hard for them and for us.
So what's this got to do with my value? You see I believe what I wrote in the first paragraph, but there's a voice or maybe just an emotion inside me that says..."maybe if you'd called 50 pastors, you would have a result." In my emotions that translates like this, "If you did, enough, you'd have results, and you'd be a valid human being." Now I don't actually say those words to myself, but when I boil down the emotions that's what's going on in me.
I want to know God so deeply and so well that I can accept his love that isn't based on my actions, on my earning that merit, that love, that acceptance. I want to knead the bread of my soul with God's loving me. Full stop. End of Sentence. God loves even a whiny missionary like me.
Right now we are in a painful process trying to raise funds for our missionary endeavors. It's not a good economy. Churches aren't exactly having an easy time. People have cut back on giving as something they can cut. It's just a fact right now. We leave messages for 20-30 pastors a week and hear back from only a few. I understand, I wouldn't want to have to keep telling people, "No, I can't help you." It's hard for them and for us.
So what's this got to do with my value? You see I believe what I wrote in the first paragraph, but there's a voice or maybe just an emotion inside me that says..."maybe if you'd called 50 pastors, you would have a result." In my emotions that translates like this, "If you did, enough, you'd have results, and you'd be a valid human being." Now I don't actually say those words to myself, but when I boil down the emotions that's what's going on in me.
I want to know God so deeply and so well that I can accept his love that isn't based on my actions, on my earning that merit, that love, that acceptance. I want to knead the bread of my soul with God's loving me. Full stop. End of Sentence. God loves even a whiny missionary like me.
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