Blogger Aggravated

I've been trying to post comments on all your blogs the last few weeks. I'm so frustrated. Blogger kept pestering me to join the great new google version, so I finally did. I deeply regret it. Now I can't seem to get a comment up. Okay I'm exaggerating a little, but I just lost my comment to Golden's latest blog because I suddenly was swooped away to the google page which then brought me to my own post/internal blog workings. So what happened to my comment?! Also the word verification wasn't working one week. I kept seeing the letters, then entering them. Then a new screen would come up and say I didn't enter them and to do it again. But then there would be no image of the letters, just a ? box. I'm so frustrated, but want you all to know I am trying to keep up on your lives. Obviously, if one of you computer gurus know the answer I'd be glad to be educated!

Tolerance and free will

I watched a fairly disturbing video revealing activities in mosques in Great Britain. Link to it here. The video was done by an undercover reporter, so the "preachers," that is imams were saying things to what they believed were just their own people. Some of the things they said are troubling, but I knew much of it was occurring anyway. It's just that seeing it live in a "religious" setting made it more real.

So disturbing thing number one is just their harsh view of democracy, women, and freedoms that we take for granted. But we sort of knew that too. I think a big difference here is we believe in tolerance even if we don't believe something is right or good for a person. We don't abhor the person but perhaps the act they do. At least ideally we tolerate.

Disturbing thing number two is that I know some of the harsh things get said because they think it is a private group. I sort of wondered if it isn't like we don't say everyone is going to miss the rapture who does X sin in front of a mixed group of people, or that we believe X is a sin, unless we think we were among friends. I've heard preachers say sort of politically incorrect things and then say, oh I'm not suppose to say that and everyone laughs. In this respect, I found the their meetings similar to ours. I found that odd to see something I recognize in a way. Though I have to follow this closely and quickly with the fact that we don't believe that people who do these sins should be tortured or brutally murdered.

One imam spoke out against homosexuality and one against watching western television. Oddly, those are issues I've heard brought up in the church too. But the difference here is we, meaning my friends who read this blog, my church, and for the most part the denomination I participate in, we believe in a free will that God respects. If God is willing to let a person choose whatever destructive lifestyle choices, I am not meant to dictate better ones to them under punishment of death. I'm also not meant to dictate what your belief in God will look like. Here we are drastically different. I think free will may be the biggest distinction we can make in our philosophical structures. Obviously, our theological structures are on different planets they are so different. We are to express the truth of God, the love of Christ and then ultimately each individual decides.

Another disturbing fact I observed was that when the news program asked people for a response to their under cover report, they simply said no it's not true. That's not the way it is at all. I'm amazed in this day of video and literature and the internet, that any group can just blatantly deny things that can be proven fact so easily. It's as though you can just spout off the politically correct jargon in a press release and that negates all the actual teachings or actions of any group.

I’m not sure where all this knowledge is taking me. How will God use this in me? I do know today I'm especially thankful for free will and what that means to our beliefs.

Holidays 2006

After an extended absence from the keyboard...The trip to KC for the holidays was great. We were at a phase of life here in Espana that it was nice to be home without making us sick at the idea of coming back. I totally didn't expect the sensation that home is in Spain right now. It's comfortable and that's a very pleasant sensation that I think has taken a lot of work to get to that point.

So enjoyed getting to hang out with you bloggers and blurkers at different times. Thanks to Golden for throwing a girls night opportunity at her house. I needed that. I'm positive I talked entirely too much! Thanks for including us in the Love's Command party. It was wonderful to feel at ease and just have fun. I miss that here. Special kudos go out to Dash and Dirt for the use of their coche. My first thought was that is so nice, but I'd feel bad to use it. Then our transport option broke down and I saw it as a God thing. It took a lot of pressure off the too-ing and fro-ing that we needed to do. Thanks to Vernal, Forrest and Doc for a great night out for Mexican...even if we couldn't find anywhere open for late night stuff, that's funny knowing the way it is here. I always feel like a party pooper when I go home before midnight. LL & co, as well as our families fed us good ole KC barbeque. Makes me salivate thinking of it. yum. We missed BB and family but wish them well in their new endeavors.

In interesting news for those that don't know, my brother got engaged while we were home. Congrats to him. The newsworthy thing is that the big day is looking like the coming New Year's Eve, so we will likely be home for Christmas again. So put us on the calendar for more fun later in 2007!

Too much thinking for one blog

How much of this was meant to be
How much the work of the Devil
How far can one man's eyes really see
In these days of toil and trouble
How much of this is failing flesh
How much a course of retribution
My, my, how loudly we plead our innocence
Long after we made our contribution

Okay, Dar just posted these lyrics from Bill Mallonee. Thanks to Forrest for introducing us to the Vigilantes of Love.

Here are my thoughts on this portion of the song. It goes along with a long, long running discussion (in my mind) about God. I don't really know if you'd call it attributes or how big is God or issues with Sovereignty or what. This song and a couple other phrases I've heard all are part of the challenge in my head to understand God. The interesting thing is that even though I cannot resolve all these thoughts or my "position" on them, they seem to keep drawing me further into God, rather than pushing me away.

How much of this was meant to be...
This makes me think of Calvinism and pre-destination. This is what if I you take it literally enough and far enough, I refer to as the micromanagement version of God. This has it's comforts that I really like. Every tiny teeny thing is powered/caused by God. Here my issues also begin...does that mean I blame him (inadvertently by assigning him this power) for really horrible evil things that occur?

How much the work of the devil...
This is where Armenianism begins to influence my idea of God, (is that right Taz? Or am I mixing it up?) This is where you do assign things to the warfare that occurs because of where we are. Then I can assign the evil things that occur to the result of the war zone and not blame God for them. This idea comforts me. Here I begin again... if you take the idea too far does that mean if something does occur that I wasn't praying enough or fill in the blank enough to make the warfare not go against me or someone else?

How much of this is failing flesh...
I think failing flesh gets mixed into the warfare thing too. Isn't some of all the things that happen the result of my own choices or the fight of the "natural man"? Is that just free will, natural order, human nature run amok? Or was every move I made pre-destined? Can I just blame some of it on the world as a deteriorating system?

Frowning providence...
I was at Anne Hathaway's house (Shakespeare's mother) near Stratford-upon-Avon, U.K. There was an old needlepoint from their day on the wall. It has the alphabet and then a prayer stitched in the cloth. Somewhere in the prayer was a phrase about accepting things from a frowning providence with grace. It's interesting that there have been long periods of time that adhere to the first version of God so much that they see him as a frowning providence that causes awful things to happen, the comforting idea is that you can accept it as from him. It's hard for me to assign that depth of severity to God.

Retribution...
What about the God of the old testament who was punishing the Israelites for sin and following other Gods? We don't talk about retribution much now, except when some kooky religious figure from television gets after some activist group or says something freaky about a natural disaster.

Suffering...
I get an email devotional. Lately it has featured sayings of Francis Fenelon, a disenfranchised priest or teacher of the 17th century, he said, "I am awed by the good that comes from suffering. I agonize and cry when the cross is working within me. But afterwards I look back and see what God has accomplished in me. Then I'm ashamed that I bore it so poorly." He is not the first nor the last theologian to emphasize the good that comes from suffering. I agree that there is great value to be had when you have to go through "the valley of the shadow of death." I balance this idea and all of these ideas really with Romans 8:28.

I know that ultimately who God is does not change according to whichever idea is strongest in my mind or heart or which one I may chose to discard or believe. The way I balance these ideas in my head is with that same verse. God works all things for good to those who are called according to his purpose. So if he manages every minute detail, it is for my ultimate good as his child. If the warfare version is true, there is nothing he cannot change into good in some way in my life. The suffering whether it comes from ill intention or good intention always produces value within me -- IF I allow God to do a work within me through it. If I choose bitterness, then I have made the choice not to take value from the suffering.

Have I blown your mind? I do this to myself all the time over and over. Ultimately at the end of my mental gymnastics there's God and whatever is "true" about him, I know he is faithful.

Thankful days

Thanksgiving was a big potluck affair with about 40 or so missionaries and their families. It was held at the international school lunchroom. Some people went to a lot of effort to decorate the tables in Thanksgiving festiveness. The food was traditional thanksgiving and very tasty. Much of it is hard to find here. Hard to find: sweet potatoes, whole turkey, crunchy onions for the top of green bean casserole. Non existent: cranberries, canned pumpkin, marshmellows. So a lot of imported food got eaten!

The most homesick I have ever felt was my first Thanksgiving away...in Belgium when I was 25 years old. That was a hard one. I'm glad I tried to get excited about what IS happening here rather than simply longing for what I cannot have.

Friday we had a All Spain meeting. A bit like a church board meeting but some details actually affect us personally. It was our first and interesting though lengthy. The group seems pretty amenable to one another and kept things positive. I felt good to be a part of it.

Things I'm thankful for at this season:
That we are more stable in life than a year ago.
That I didn't suffer from homesickness this holiday.
That I have ways, like this, that are affordable to keep up with friends.
That we got a dog this year.
That we have a really nice home here and our comfortable things around us.
That I can make myself understood here and generally I can understand the answers. This makes life so much less scary.
That we have a Spanish "church home" and a US one too.
That I have people in my life who sincerely care about me.
That our budget has held up and we're making it despite the dollar.
That we're coming home for Christmas.

I could go on....Give me one thing you're thankful for in comments!

Socialized Healthcare

I know I shouldn't get political, but I'm having personal experiences with socialized healthcare and hearing stories from people who are trapped in the system. This week Kerry has been sick, sort of a flu combined with something like strep throat. We went to the socialized healthcare clinic down the street.

It was a little disturbing how much like a cattle call it was. No one organized it you just had to look at the list and see who was before you - by asking the waiting room of people. Then you just walked into the doctor's room when the person before you left. No nurses, no blood pressure check. Very perfunctory. I had to ask the doctor to look at Dar's throat a second time because I had seen an infected spot myself. She looked again then said, oh yeah, I guess there’s a small spot.

Then she couldn’t figure out how to give us a prescription since we are not in the computers for social health. We did finally get a prescription and some antibiotics and he is on the mend. I think whenever possible we will go to the private health care clinic. It’s weird here, anyone who can afford to have private insurance does and goes to different clinics.

My Spanish tutor has something wrong with her vocal chords and has to go to physical therapy or occupational therapy. She said if she wasn’t a teacher she would have to wait several years for an opening at therapy. Really crazy.

Another story I heard was our Spanish School Teacher had a son who needed an operation on his little boy bits. Something commonly done before 3 years in the US. The waiting list took him until he was 6 years old to get it done.

So if this is what happens with small stuff I'm scared about the big stuff. But it was good to know we can run down to the clinic for small stuff though. It’s handy since it is so close. Most of our friends here in corporate type jobs have private insurance so they can have control over their health care. The idea that everything is taken care of is very noble and a nice idea. What I'm seeing is that it doesn't actually work. Then you have to pay twice. Once in taxes and once in private insurance.

Personality tests

We went to a retreat this weekend and we took a personality test that we'd taken maybe 12 or more years ago. It was interesting to see my weaker personality traits had changed. I'd evened out in some areas, but my strongest area remained the same. This was the lion, beaver, golden retriever, and otter test. Some of you may have taken it. In this test I am a lion, a leader type person who likes to get things done and sometimes bowls people over in that process. Animal test

A few months ago Dar came on a site that did a Myers Briggs personality type which is more analytical and in fact when I tried to find the link we used today, I ran across things like you should only take this with a professional...couldn't find our original site. But this gives you personality types like ESFJ, or INFJ. Much more technical than the cute animal one. When Dar had me take this one I was a bit hurt by the results. I was ESFJ: extroverted (surprise!), sensing, feeling, judging. Dar is INFJ Introverted, intuitive, feeling, judging. Dar is in a category that is only 1.8 percent of people, so there were some really cool famous people in his category. Mine had Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh and William J Clinton (among others). Myers Briggs test

Mine sounded silly and shallow to me at that point and there were many "recommended" jobs that I've been trying to get away from my whole life. But today I reread a file I kept of my personality type and there were some better things I could see. Some artisan qualities sounded more pleasant than my first pass at the test, also I noticed that among the jobs I abhor there were things like police detective and wilderness adventure leader. Most of the people with my personality type are actors and sports players which I found disappointing. So a little space has given me some perspective.

The thing is I noticed that the two tests yielded pretty different results. I should have more otter qualities according to the analysis of how much I want other people to be comfortable and have fun (caregiver qualities in the ESFJ), but the otter category in the first test came in tied with beaver (busy perfectionist, I'm that too.) I think the two tests conflict with one another some, but in some ways I can agree with both. Maybe I'm multiple personality.

So are personality tests like a horoscope? Do I take one and it influences who I am? But the test I took 12 years apart came out the same which I found interesting. The session at the retreat talked about moving toward balance of all areas. I can see that I go too far with trying to get everyone else taken care of and not taking care of me. But being overly caring and concerned, isn't an all bad trait. I can see that I am very task/completion oriented and while this has its flaws I'm good at getting things done. I definitely take the tests too personally and feel insulted by some aspect.

So here's a new one I found that you can take online. I'm scared to do it. What else will I find out?! The new categories are: Captain, Social Coordinator, Steward, and Navigator. It sounds like a cruise.
Ahoy!

Normal things

Yesterday I was pushing my cart through the men's silk tie section and I got tickled. I went on through shoes and out of the store realizing that it has become normal to push a grocery cart through the equivalent of Macy's or through a mall. It's normal and most the time I don't think about it.

Today it got really warm, 82 in fact and the rest the week is suppose to be in the 70s, after two weeks of cold rain. So of course we have the windows open again. I don't know if it's the rain or what, but the bugs are out in force. We have no screens on our windows. I guess you can have them custom built and a few homes do that, but most places don't have them. So bugs flying in and out of the windows is pretty normal. When it gets to dusk, we plug in these little things that look like air fresheners, they repel mosquitoes and don't smell like anything. I don't like bugs being in and out of the house but I'm used to it. This is a likely cause for why we had a bat in our bedroom one night. We forgot to plug in the bug repellent and I think he probably followed something in the window. We won't make that mistake again, hopefully.

Hola. Everyone says it. When you're out walking or a neighbor is in their yard or in stores, it's very normal to say hola and have it said to you very often. So without thinking now, I say hola when I'm out walking and I pass someone. I wonder does my hola sound normal or is it a little off, and they thing, "where is she from?"

All the tourist shops sell them, but then so do all kinds of shops. Abanicos are the pretty fans that are often a souvenir from Spain. The thing is the abanico is alive and well. In the summer, nearly every woman has one in her purse. I in fact carried one this summer. Without air conditioning, you are often in places that are stifling hot. When you hit that maximum capacity on heat, out come the fans. It's amazing the relief a little stirring of the air can bring. Lots of people use them in church too. You can spend a lot of money on hand painted ones, more suited to hanging on the wall or you can drop a Euro and have one that you don't care if you lose. It's interesting what has become normal.

Worried, Happy

I've noticed the use of a couple Spanish words that are near synonyms for English words but they are used differently here. One is preocupada (preocupado if you're a boy). It looks and sounds a bit like preoccupied. This is the word for worry. I know this because I worry and I was trying to say something I was concerned about. Estoy preocupada de...whatever. I like this word for worry, because really when I'm "worried" I'm allowing myself to be preoccupied with something that most likely I cannot control or change.

Another word that I find interesting is contenta (again change the end to and o if you're male). While if you look it up you will find it is a synonym for English's content, however, the use of it here is wider than that. It is used for content, but it's also used for sort of glad or happy. This situation was good, or I got this new scarf and -- estoy contenta. I'm happy, I'm content. I like the two ideas rolled together. Paul (as in the apostle) wrote the famous line about being content in whatever state you find yourself. In English, the idea of content, which could connote just dealing with something without complaining, all the way to pleasantly at ease with the situation, with happy, I don't associate it with happy.

So "contenta" inspires me to ask what in my life can I be content with (meaning my old perception of content) and which of those things in my life could I move into the Spanish idea of being pleased or happy with it. I am absolutely not saying we have to be happy with everything in life, but maybe we just squeeze our emotions around something that we could open up and be more content and happy with if we would stretch ourselves.

Things are not perfect. But, preoccupation may be robbing me of being contenta with more aspects of my life. What about you?

Sometimes real life is just surreal

Sorry to be so long between posts. The odd thing is often if I'm having a hard time I can't post...this time I have tons to post about and haven't had the opportunity. Now I don't know where to start.

We have been going to the fiesta activities in the town near us each night this week, so a few excerpts from a very interesting, cultural, bizarre, bunch of activities.

Wednesday night had a totally surreal evening, maybe a strange day over all. The new regional boss from the US was here. She seems very nice and approachable, we just tried to make a good impression since it was our first meeting of her, but feel like we could speak to her if we needed to. Went to lunch at a nice restaurant (her treat) for paella. Our neighbor was on duty - I think his parents own the restaurant. So I'm Spanish kissing the staff...

At 8 pm, we went to hear a music group, Toom-Pak, at the fiesta (all percussion on industrial drums and tire rims and stuff) very interesting, like Stomp. They didn't start at 8 of course. There were no chairs set up and Dar saw an old guy sneak around a stack and get some chairs, so Dar got some for the 5 of us. Pretty soon, in Spanish fashion lots of people were sneaking chairs out. It was almost a funny social experiment.

Before the real group began, one of the local clubs came around with their drum core and threw confetti and streamers. Then sang a club song. Then the real group began but another club came in and were drunk and kept singing and blowing a squeeky horn. The official band was louder, so it was still fun.

One it was over so we went and got churros from a stand they had set up frying them fresh. Little kids are lighting off M80s right next to us and loud stuff that Dar said isn't legal in the US. We decided this wasn't safe, so we walked down to the real fireworks area...fireworks again yes, third or fourth time this year.

We sat on the roundabout; there must have been 100 of us sitting on the median. Tons of people were gathered, kids were jumping over us and knocking into us wrestling. The fireworks started a half hour late 10:30. It was set to music which was very cool. Once again we were so close that chunks of the fireworks were raining down on us. I plucked a chunk the size of the tip of my thumb out of my hair. (Not burning thankfully.) This was a huge orchestrated show. You felt like you were inside the fireworks and the music. I noticed a piece that fell that stayed firey all the way down to the ground, off kind a behind us and had the thought that in a dry country with a 40 year drought I'm surprised they do so many fireworks.

A few minutes later a bunch of kids all get freaked out and are pointing behind us away from the fireworks. A small brush fire had started on the hill from the fireworks. The firetruck drives through our roundabout (without lights or sirens) the fireworks keep going... you don't know what to watch the fire or the fireworks. A heavy metal song came on in English for the fireworks...I want it all, I want it all, I want it now...it felt like a rock concert. Loud people, loud music, people everywhere. Then there's the fire behind us (not near, but up on a hill) with firemen going up to it. It was spreading quickly, but they had it out by the time we walked to the car and drove out. The fireworks were so large and so close that you felt like you needed to duck during the finale. Tiffany said she felt like she was on a tv show that it couldn't be her real life. Cooper pointed out that we had fireworks (fuegos artificiales) and we had real fire (fuego real). It was odd and funny. Home by midnight.

Went to a dancing horses show another night. Cooper and Dar stayed home and played video games while three of us girls watched the show. It turned out to be dancing Spanish horses couched in the form of a legend being acted out. Sword fights, jousting, fire, smoke, loud music ranging from rock to classical. The horses were cool. The show was long and it was getting cold at 11:30pm. Still glad I went.

Friday night at 6 there was a running of the bulls. Granted it was less than 3 blocks and there were only 3 bulls, each released one at a time. Kerry and our co-worker Tiffany decided to run...before we knew there were only 3 bulls one at a time. I was trying to record on the video camera. It was a hoot. Can I just say the bulls are really, really fast? Mostly people don't run they mill around then climb the fences, in a frenzy, which is what Dar & Tiff did too. I think I was jumping away from the fence with all the commotion, maybe with more enthusiasm than Dar, and I was on the outside. Very funny.

Then everyone went to the bull ring, so we followed. Anyone who wanted to could go in the ring and they released one bull at a time and it chased people til it tired out then they'd corral it out again and let another one out. The same 3 bulls. This would never fly in the US, too dangerous and random. This was not a real bullfight with matadors etc. and they didn't kill them. Very interesting, but I felt sorry for the bulls. They seemed confused and disoriented. It was noisy and people tormenting them and then running behind walls so they'd hit their heads. Glad it wasn't a bull fight.

Saturday we went to an bull-dodging demonstration. They dodged the horns - very close calls. A couple guys did flips over the bulls. They picked the bulls and they were bleeding a little from their shoulders, not too much. I know I eat meat...but I still find the tormenting type of killing disturbing. They did not kill them they just jumped around them. As a team they were very skilled at maneuvering the bulls to the right place in the ring for what they wanted to do. It seemed like the guys could dodge them better if the bulls were running faster. The bulls did not seem as tormented this time though they were bleeding this time. Maybe Dar will blog about this, we got some photos, nothing great but interesting.

I feel like I keep taking a deeper drink of Spanish or at least Madrileno culture. Sometimes it is overwhelming in a pleasant way, like a roller coaster or something but more like slow motion. There's just so much to tell you guys about lately! I never even got to the bat in our bedroom!